The man with the golden car.

"My name is Bond, James Bond."
"No sir. Again, your name is Dominguez, Tony Dominguez. You're not british. You're not MI5. You're not on Her Majesty's service. You have no license to kill, and worse of all, you have a suspended driver's license. Now put your hands against the wall and spread'em!"

What would drive a person to think that driving a YELLOW Nissan SUV qualifies him for the kind of cool James Bond exhudes? First off, his car is not golden. Second, Bond would probably be inclined to drive an Aston Martin or some other sport luxury vehicle, but a frigging Nissan X-Terra? Here's a list. See for yourself. This SUV should not be eligible for this plate.

"Nope, sir. Sorry. Your car is not in the approved list for cool vanity plates. Especially not with that horrible black stripe. My supervisor would kill me if he knew I'm even talking to you anymore. Your car is approved for one of the following, though: DADDY-O, PAPITO, LATNKNG, and JRKOFF."

So, please, refrain from this kind of public display of uncool posseurism. It's embarrassing to all parties involved.

My name's Trueno, Pepe Trueno.

Nope, ain't got any. How'bouts you?

I wish I did but I don't.
This is, of course, a play on the very succesful 'got milk?' ad campaign. It implies our subject is interested in showing his affinity for snow, which leads me to believe the driver is a winter sports fan or even an athlete.

He could also be just asking if you got snow as in "white powder". Or he could be advertising the fact he's got some of said 'white powder'.

But he wouldn't do that, now would he? He would not because it would be reaaaaally stupid to advertise he's carrying highly illegal alcaloid substances that are probably not for recreation purposes. But people do stupid things: women visit Kobe Bryant's hotel room, men date Jessica Simspon and Courtney Love just keeps leaving her house, period.

So, I choose to believe our friend is merely a winter sports freak who would much rather be skiing and whose other car is a snowmobile.

Mid-life-crisis-mobile. Complete with bimbo wife accessory kit.

Kip Santini jumped in the seat of his convertible over the door, without even opening it. The car's engine roared into life and Kip launched himself into furious pursuit of the enemy agent.

... yawn. Yet another bad novel by the famous author of "Please not in the pinky toe".

This is a Corvette. The kind 50 year old men with mid-life crisis drive. I wonder why it's not red, the color of regulation for mid-life crisis convertibles. Does this car come with a bimbo blonde trophy wife too?

Well, hello there prostitutes!

I swear, I had not laughed this much since, well, this morning really. But seriously, the driver of this car is either very, very funny and quite a bit misoginistic, or has absolutely no idea what he put on his license plate and should be punished severely for it.

I thought I'd read somewhere State DMVs were not allowed to issue plates if they could be deemed offensive by anyone. But I guess prostitutes are:

1. Not considered "anyone"; or
2. Not easily offended; or
3. Quite possibly not aware of the existence of such a vanity plate.

So, here's to you, player! It's certainly hard to be a pimp these days.

Asian Blandness

What's with Toyotas and blandness? Their conservative, generic approach to design paired with fairly decent engines and reliability has made them a major force in the auto industry.

Slapping a VLP on a Toyota is funny in itself. Toyota owners - I find - are very unlikely to do this, and in my informal observations Toyotas - at least the lower end ones - are almost not accounted for.

What does "WI S1" stand for? Don't know, don't care. Only thing I know is it does not make this kind of car any cooler than it is. In fact it only makes its intrinsic blandness more apparent and poignant. It is even ironic, I would say. It's as if somebody played a trick on the car's owner and stuck one of those schoolkid notes that says "kick me" on his back.

Disturbing trends in VLPing: Bimmers (V).

The night was humid. The parking garage was dimly lit. Det. Joe Gumshoe was hot on the tracks of the suspect. He had tracked him down by his license plate. Arpege it read, Arpege.

What a geek, what a geek.

So there you have it, I'm an author too. Of reeeeally bad detective stories. But who cares. You're not here for my writing. Or maybe you are. But not for fiction. Or so you think. Who knows?

Here's yet another bimmer with VLP's. In this case, it's an older model. Probably late 80's 3 series convertible. Red. It screams 'mid-life crisis'. Or 'geeky musician'. Or 'geeky musician in the middle of a mid-life crisis'. I seriously wonder what the deal is with bimmers and VLP's. It's strange how democratic ego reinforcement through VLPing is amongst BMW owners. Are all BMW owners that insecure?

Yes, siree bob: I love seafood!

"So, you're saying you like lobster?"
"Yes, I do!"
"And you want to get a license plate with the inscription 'LOBSTER' on it?"
"Yes, I would!"
"Well, sir, whaddaya know, someone-has-already-selected-lobster!"
"Well, I'll beat them in their own game: I'll name my car the 'LOBS II'!"
"Lobs two, sir?"
"Yes! Isn't that genius? Lobstwo!"

Well, who am I kidding? That's probably not how it went. I can't help but hearing Mel Brooks voice speaking this dialogue in a sort of automotive mayhem movie a la 'Cannonball Run'. But life is not like that. Or it never always is. And when it is, there are no cameras rolling. And when they are, it always gets cut out of the film. And when it doesn't, it tends to suck.

Maybe this driver just loves the B-52's and RckLobs was off the market.

Comic-book Alien Races or yet more insufferable egolatry?

Walking around on a lazy saturday afternoon I came across this example of vanity plate. It is not extremely interesting, it is not extremely cool or uncool, it just is.

While the letter's KRE probably mean something to the owner (why else would someone bother to slap'em on a VLP?) they mean absolutely fucking nothing to me.

For all I care he could be referring to the Kree, but I hope no one in the world still believes using the incomplete name of a comic-book alien race as their vanity license plate makes them cool at all. Of course, knowing who the Kree are makes me as dorky as them, should that be the case, therefore I choose to believe 'KRE' is nothing more than the owner's initials: Karen Raimondi Ellsworth, Karl Ruben Engelhardt? Who knows? Who cares? No, really, who does?

German broadcasting or insufferable egolatry?

I've seen quite a few of these cars in the Northeast. I never saw this many when I lived in Georgia. But in all the time I've been spotting VLP's, I had never spotted one on this model of car.

DW is mildly cryptic, and as far as VLP's goes it is mildly tolerable. DW could be something like 'David Wells' or it could be 'Deutsche Welle'. Whatever it means, DW is mildly acceptable in my eyes, if only for the fact they drive a energy conscious alternative to a freaking full blown seven-seat SUV. Kudos on the choice of car. Just, you know, lose the plate.

Disturbing trends in VLPing: Bimmers (IV).

PAX QB:

And so, it came to pass that in the year of the lord 2008 Fidelis Alexander Castor Rux, tyrant of the island nation of Q-ba, passed away leaving a legacy of poor judgement, embarrassing photo-ops and general stupidity on the part of some who are blind to even the most obvious of intellectual manipulation.

"Whooooah!" (This is a direct quote from every single Keanu Reeves movie in history). Where did that come from?

I bet this guy is either cuban or not. I bet he is either fluent in latin (Roll over in your grave, Dan Quayle, that's if you're dead at all) or not. One thing is for sure, or as some of my friends like to say 'fo'sho': This guy sure loves his Bimmer and his sunroof! Maybe he made his fortune selling Cuban sandwiches, or he wants the cold war between Key West and Havana to end. Maybe he wants to enjoy his mojito in El Malecon while watching the sun set on the western end of the island.

Cang we all jus' get along? (read with heavy cuban accent, a la Al Pacino in Scarface).

The Lion, the Scarecrow, the Tin Man and the Yellow Brick Road.

All Judy Garland joking aside, you have to be in a very specific frame of mind to pick 'OZ' as your VLP. This guy got immensely lucky: He was the first one to apply for a plate that read 'OZ' in the state of Utah.

I guess you can count the 'Wizard of Oz' movie fans in Utah with the fingers in one hand. Or at least the ones who are actually going to apply for a VLP that reads 'OZ'. I'm impressed he got this plate and didn't end up with something like 'OZ97' or 'WIZRDOZ', or even worse 'ZARDOZ'. I guess Sean Connery probably drives a 1975 MG with California 'ZARDOZ' plates. Yes, I know even thinking of that joke makes me the biggest dork in the world, but satire is hard work and no one ever promised you'd leave this web page unscathed.

In any case, our Wizard of Oz VLP owner should feel proud he was the first Utah native to even think of getting this plate. This does in fact make him kind of unique and cool. He still probably likes Judy Garland (Not that there's anything wrong with that!), so it kind of evens out.

Esoteric meanings

People, this is a rather esoteric plate for me.

DU-1? What does it mean? What is this person trying to tell us? Is it just the text we need to pay attention to? Is there some form of meta-message concealed in the bird?

I hate it when people do their VLP's so impenetrable, you can't even mock'em.

Come on people. This page does not write itself, and I require sources for comedy. If you're going to have one of these, at least give me some kind of angle. Comedy is after all, serious business, just like DUI's.

Oh, it's just puppy-love!

Here's the odd VLP which does not make me gag on sight. Pup Kiss' owner is, in my opinion, a pooch lover. No person who loves dogs and uses his or her allotted VLP space to proclaim such love deserves my contempt.

So, kudos to the rare VLP-sporting Benz-owning pooch-loving freak who drives this baby.

My regards and woof!

Yet another last name.

Let's take a wild guess here: Your name starts with W, your last name is Seale.

Look people, get with the program: If you abso-fucking-lutely need to put your name on the plate, use your first name. Your last name is easier to track down. How many guys named W. Seale drive red toyota SUV's in the state of Virginia? Not many, I'm guessing. On the other hand, maybe you want people to know who you are. Maybe, and just maybe, you're a tough guy. Aren't you, pal?

Disturbing trends in VLPing: Bimmers (III).

As a continuation of my disturbing Bimmer series, I present to you this geographically dislocated BMW owner.

What do you make of a person who drives a german car with an Emory University sticker, Connecticut license plates that read 'NYNY' and lives in Washington, DC?

This person can't quite obviously make his or her mind up. Does he/she want to be back in Atlanta? While he/she was in Connecticut, did he/she so badly want to be in New York the only way he/she could make his/her discomfort of having their residence established in Connecticut shown was by having these plates? And why is he/she living in Washington now?

A lot of people would rather be somewhere different than where they are, even though they've never really been to the place they long for. But, Connecticut plates that read 'NYNY' are frankly a little bit disturbing in their naivete. If you add all the other factors, the fact seems to be this person does not really know where he/she wants to be and that my friends, is really a bitch.

Disturbing trends in VLPing: Bimmers (II).

Y indeed? Y?

Yet another bimmer in what seems to be the most disturbing trend in VLPing I've noticed.

Benz owners, Audi owners, and other luxury vehicle owners don't even come close to Bimmer owners in terms of VLPíng their cars. For some reason, BMW owners are more inclined to topping their ego stroking vehicle purchases with the icing of a well-chosen VLP.

Y is that? Y indeed?

Disturbing trends in VLPing: Bimmers (I).

Ok, so here's the first in a series of BMW's I've run accross with VLP's. I've seen young and old, males and females, rich and not so rich BMW owners adorn their vehicles with license plates which range from the cute (like this case) to downright stupid.

SNSHNE? Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems SUNSHNE was already taken. Is 'sunshine' the driver? And if we had been in Kentucky, would her license plate have been MNSHNE or MOONSHN?

I bet this Bimmer's owner has a sunny disposition and a positive attitude (I think those two go hand in hand. Usually, that is) and as far as VLP's goes, I can tolerate this one: not trying to be too cool or anything, just a healthy extension of her too healthy ego.

Where do you think I come from?

Hmm, let's see.

Could it be, erm, ahm, ehem. Or maybe, ahm. No, that's just too obvious.

Well, it seems our friend here is the proud son of a neapolitan family. 1st., 2nd. generation american, maybe?

Maybe so. If he followed the same logic as our friend Nikkei, he would be driving ... a Fiat, or an Alfa Romeo, even a Lancia. Hard to tell.

I doubt it, though. None of those companies make gas-guzzling SUV w/ V8 engines and 3rd row seats. This is as close as he would get should he choose to drive a truly Italian car. Somehow, I don't see it happening.

No humor here. At all.

Despite the fact that I don't find these plates remotely cool, I have a hard time mocking this one. He's a FIREFIGHTER for heaven's sake. And he works Engine 20, I guess, somewhere in Virginia. So much for thwarting collection attempts.

"Yes, he works in Fire station so and so, and he drives a white generic american car with license plate ENGN20."

You had me at ...

... Mazagon?

Jeez. Can you get more esoteric? If you're going to have a vanity plate make it clear so everybody can mock you for needing vehicular ego reinforcement.

I guess driving a Jeep was not cool enough, you just had to slap a vaniy plate on it.

Alright, alright. No biggie. Next time, put something we can use for comedic purpose. Is that too much to ask?

Total Cool Quotient

Let's just say for the sake of argument, that vanity plates are cool. And that by slapping one of these on a vehicle you're automatically raising its Cool Quotient (from now on referred as CQ). But what happens when your CQ is negative to begin with? Does slapping a vanity plate on a minivan make it cooler, or is the vanity plate more of a magnification of the inherent dorkiness of a minivan?

I guess it depends on what the equation for the CQ is. Here are 2 possible formulas:

1. TCQ (Total Cool Quotient) = CCQ (Car Cool Quotient) + VPQ (Vanity Plate Quotient).

2. TCQ = CCQ x VPQ.

So, if the first formula is correct and you start the calculation under the assumption a negative value is possible, a negative value for the CCQ could be canceled out with a positive VPQ.
If on the other hand, the second formula is correct, a negative CCQ value times a negative VPQ value would result in a positive TCQ.

Am I reading too much into this? Maybe. Maybe not.

Let's skip all the algebra. I know some of you have by now developed a massive headache not having been exposed to the magic of math since you left college or even high school.



CASE 1: CHLDCRE
Quite obviously, this case would benefit from the application of equation #2. The CCQ of this car times the VPQ would result in a positive value.
I guess whoever drives this van, is either involved in the childcare racket (i know it's an industry, but if you've ever had to pay for it you know what i mean) or can't separate their parental obligations from their professional desires.



CASE 2: THANK U
By now we've established a few things. One of those is economy of letters is important in the high-risk, high-expectations world of vanity plates. That this person got this license plate means one of two things to me: Either they are very, very kind in which case I can't say anything but "you're welcome", or they're evil sarcastic bastards who cut in traffic and use the plates to mock you.

I would have to know what the intent behind the licnese plate is before i can calculate their CQ. If they're nice, I would not hate them but their CQ woudl drop dramatically. If they're evil bastards, their CQ would improve but I would not let them cut in traffic.

In any cas, you're welcome, you son of a ...



CASE 3: HANNE K

Hanne has the right idea: if you absolutely have to use your name on a vanity plate, use your given name, not your last name, that way you can always hit and run or at least throw stalkers off. (Good luck with that!)

Hanne's given name is probably Hannelore, and she is proud of driving her Chrysler Minivan. Yet no matter how cool Hanne thinks her Chrysler is, she's still driving a freakin' minivan. I guess if I was driving around with a bunch of little brats, I would have to cave in and buy one of these things or a massive SUV with 7 seats and 5 MPG. If I do, please, put me out of my misery: Take me to the shed and shoot me between the eyes with a 44.

FreeMason?

A little confusing, this one.

PDDGM 33? Hmmm.

I think our friend here is trying to tell us something about the level he has achieved in certain not-so-secret scottish rite society.

All those badges...

Anyway, what is it with the Ford Focus and vanity license plates?

And does his Matchbox car have vanity plates too?

Those, my friends, are important questions indeed.

Clean as a whistle

Does the license plate have to match a person's profession? If that was the rule, is this guy a professional cleaner of some sort?

It reminds me of "Pulp Fiction's" Mr. wolf. Is this pickup truck driving Mr. Kleen a mob problem solver?

I doubt it. It would be fun though, wouldn't it.

I won, I won, I won.

"Yes, I won in the Best Album Notes and Best Instrumental Arrangement.."

"I would like to thank my mother and my father for getting it on exactly 9 months to the day of my birth. I'd like to thank my brother for suffering through my sound experiments with his records. To my aunt Florence and my uncle Ronald, thanks for not pressing charges. To my dear friend Alex, thanks for ... Don't you dare cut me off. Stop the music. STOP THE MUSIC. STOP THE FUCKING MUSIC, I SAID."

I wonder, did this guy win a Grammy or 2. Did he mean Grammy or was Granny already taken. If I had won a Grammy and was so proud of it that I'd absolutely have to proclaim it by having it on my license plate, I would most definitely NOT put it in such a vehicle.

But that's just me. And I have not won a Grammy. Nor will I ever. That is unless... I can get some Milli Vanilli type guys to be my front.

Hmmm, I wonder if that'll work.

Shipping and Handling

Besides costing an arm and a leg (A and L) and guzzling a lot of gas both in the city and highways (C and H), Jaguars aren't exactly meant to blend in. They are beautiful, flashy and expensive and besides all their british caché, Ford has turned the brand into their version of something Ford Motors could not afford to acquire.

Did the driver mean to convey the owner's names were something like Steve and Mary? Or was he trying to be esoteric by giving us initials for our puzzle-solving pleasure? The answer may be more simple and mundane, S & H might be the reason he can afford to drive the car. I don't say own, because he could very well be leasing it, paying 579$ a month for 36 months with a 10500 annual mileage limit and 3999$ due at signing.

But I digress, this blog has integrity. Satire is important, and no british Ford-owned sporty upscale sedan is going to take my mind of it. It sure looks nice, though.

"Honey are you sure we can't swing the 579$?"
"Not if you want to feed the baby!"